Straight from the heart: Break downs, jobs and directions…

Last night I just broke down in tears. I keep saying I want to go into media, it’s not necessarily journalism but I thought I’d take a look at the qualification I’ve been recommended to go for if I want to…I cried…I couldn’t do it, not right now. Everything just overwhelmed me. I want to travel. I’m most happy when I’m wandering around the world discovering places and learning things from that. I’m most unhappy, inside worrying about what I’m going to do to make some money to keep my funds up. That’s the truth.
After probably over an hour crying my eyes out over this keyboard Mum came in and found me crying and I just completely opened up, even though I’m open anyway, I’m usually open on a complete high which usually makes Mum quiet and thoughtful looking. She doesn’t like to give me praise because so many people give it me and she keeps me grounded but last night it was needed. I was totally at rock bottom.
The problem is, I always get told “you’re amazing, so inspirational, you’ll go far!” Ok…helpful, go far doing what?
For a while now I’ve had the words “media” in my brain…actually, it’s been there a long time and I know that it is something I want to go into. But I’ve always been a bit wobbly when It comes to journalism…
For a long time after my injury, as I’ve probably mentioned, I tried to replace a lot of the things I used to do and things I thought I no longer could do with stuff like writing and academia. For a while that worked but it’s got to the point where “writing” has turned into a chore rather than a passion or outlet, like it used to be. Now I’m discovering I can do all the things I loved doing as a kid only in a different more grown up way.
But still…it’s there “media”…I looked up the diploma I’ve been recommended to look at in order to become a journalist. I burst out crying.
I just did, as soon as I read all of the writing involved. I know I’m writing now! But all of the exams…
The truth is. I do love the media. I love investigating, I love and I’m fascinated by the power it has. But I love the talking to people, the presenting over the writing of articles…I think maybe it’s presenting I’ll go into? I’m not sure. But I don’t think it’ll be right now. The media training and hopefully possible work I’ll be doing with the media thanks to Back Up, during the paralympics will give me the chance to experience different aspects of it. But right now…last night, I knew exactly what made me feel happy doing…

So I told my Mum a story that I’ve never told anyone before.
It’s one of those memories that’s always stuck in my head.
I would have been about 10. I was playing on the park as usual, on my bike…and there was this girl (who i still sort of know) in a wheelchair that went to my old school who used to come on the park with her sister and watch us climb and ride bikes. I used to go over and talk to her. This particular day I remember riding over to the river where she was sat and her telling me how she loved looking at the trees and hearing the river through them. I can remember thinking “I wish I could make her feel what we all feel” as in the feeling of adventure and freedom. i didn’t really know or understand how I could…but it was was there…whatever it was.
And it’s stuck with me through all the stuff I’ve done over the years. There was a point, a very long point where I thought I’d never be adventurous or travel or do the things I dreamed of and realised I loved when I was little. Like our meandering around Scotland in the summer of 2003.
So this summer at when I group led my first ever Back Up course at Exmoor, helping the under 13s with spinal cord injury jump into kayaks, encouraging them to abseil and get up that climbing wall and all sorts…I realised I could still do it. My odd feeling last year weren’t just weird dreams, they were and are actual real ambitions. Right now I am most happiest outdoors, helping people particularly with disabilities do stuff they never thought they’d be able to.
So that’s what I want to spend my near future doing.
Yes, It might be a bit different and a bit daring for a girl in a wheelchair herself to do it.
But I’ve come to realise that you can’t live life following someone else’s path. You’ve got to form your own and have the guts and drive to jump out of the box. I’m doing it in a tiny way anyway by not going to university like most people who get AAB at A level. But university…I can’t think of anything worse for me. It’d be a cover up, like a lot of things throughout these past 7 years have been, some without me even realising.
So I found out today that the chill factore only half away from my house do adaptive skiing…I’ve been contacting adaptive ski resorts in Canada and America for volunteer positions in the office so I can spend my spare time learning to ski (as it’s something i’ve never been able to fit in with school) I was getting  a little anxious about that fact that I have no experience and I’d be a total clutz at something, somewhere I want to volunteer at…whereas now, i can hopefully spend the time and less than a quarter of the money I’d spend on a miserable year at university on learning to ski before I actually go out to a resort and even If i am at first volunteering in the office, i could train to be an instructor a lot quicker.
So thanks to the break down of last night. Things are looking up and I know my Mum’s behind me in all of  this, she knows it’s me. It always has been. Just, I know people get confused sometimes with the way my parents act as they never give me praise, but it’s because everyone else does and they don’t want to put me on a pedastool or push me in a direction that i may find is wrong for me.
She says I’ve got guts.
I have.
And that I’ve got to go for it.
Travel. Be outdoors. Meet people. Help people.
I’ll bring it back and in some way I know it’ll work.


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